StarSai is dedicated to my loving Appa whom I consider as our family Guru – Shri Chandrasekaran.
I have been writing about Sai Baba and my life, family in StarSai from December 2004. My loving Father has always supported and encouraged me to serve Sai in his own ways. I could not accept the pain that Sai took my Appa to his divine Dwarakamai.
So I started perceiving my Appa as our family Guru. I chant “Om Sai Appa” in mind every morning whenever I light lamp to Sai outside our home in small temple, when I offer food to Appa and whenever I remember my sweet, loving Appa.
Om Sai Ram friends,
My lovely Father reached the holy feet of Shirdi Sai Baba on the night of May 14th 2021. My Mom, Sister and I am deeply pained because we never imaged that my Appa will leave us so soon. Don’t mind me telling this, I feel Saibaba has hurt my already injured heart. Sai never cared to fulfil my Appa’s only desire of seeing me get married.
Thankfully, Appa’s idea of me getting married changed and he felt my happiness and peace of mind is more important than getting married to someone who doesn’t understand our family values.
Even when occasionally some Sai friends in North India expressed interest in me both my parents and I realized it’s easy to manage if I could find a girl from Coimbatore or atleast somewhere in near by states or places. Saibaba has showed a few dreams where my Amma and Appa are left alone which scares me. So I had to politely tell them that it will be nice if I marry someone near my place and if they marry someone near their place.
Recently, my Appa clarified that it’s not necessary to get married just for the sake of it. He also warned me to be careful. So I assured him that, though it’s late, I wouldn’t hurry and only marry someone who understand us. Like other families, my parents were very understanding. Since it’s already late for me, even a week before, my Appa was telling that we shouldn’t marry someone desperately. You should marry only the one who understands our family values.
That being my Appa’s lifetime desire, he always had other little desires too. We were planning to visit few sacred temples and Shirdi. Few minutes before Appa passed away, I was telling him that we will go to Shirdi. He was deeply pained but I massaged his stomach, chest and back. Appa had aneurism which we know years back but keeping that itself, he faced couple of other minor surgeries. He hates getting admitted in hospital and in the last few years, he would only say, don’t worry about me. I will be fine.
Since Appa also served Lord Shiva in the form of Vaidheeswaran ( The healer), in the temple, we believed he will be fine. I can’t believe within a few hours of struggle Appa went to divine abode of Sai. I even kept my mouth over his mouth desperately trying to bring him back to life but all I could end-up was tasting few drops of his blood. I felt, finally, after sacrificing for welfare of my Sister and me all his life, my appa also gave me his blood.
Both my Sister and me keep repeating what happened that day because we never had a very small hint that this is going to happen. Only my Amma was sick the day before. We took her to Hospital. Appa on returning from hospital, was very active. He made idly, milk and even the herbal drink for us. He also massages Amma’s back.
Appa usually shares Amma’s work in day time. He used to cut vegetables for her and does many other work. In the morning, Appa himself makes idly and gives us tea/boost as Amma was not so health the past 2 years.
That night, Appa realized, Amma does lots of work at night also.
In a way of Appreciating Amma, Appa said
“Naraya vela seirama, inimel naan nightum paadhi vela pandren unaku”
“Meena, you are doing lots of work for us at night also. So I will share half the work you do here after”.
Little did we know that this sweet Appa will get sick the next day and Sai baba will take his beautiful soul to his holy feet.
Only thing that convinces me is the fact that, Appa never struggled with some tubes in his nose or mouth. We did call the ambulance but they came very late. Appa while struggling moved from his place in bed and somehow got down on floor under the Saibaba photo I had kept in their room. This was the photograph I had kept in 2005 when I went to Mumbai asking Baba to take care of my parents. Since Appa was on floor, I went behind appa and kept his head on my lap. I fed him some water which Amma gave.
Appa passed away peacefully on my lap.
Minutes before, I told Appa that we will give for holy bath in near by Bhadrakali Amman temple where I take my Appa regularly for years, during every Friday. That Friday on May14th 2021, we could not make it as Appa was sick. So Appa was saying
“Let us go and light lamp no matter which day it is”
I wonder why he said that. That was the last sentence Appa spoke. Ofcourse seconds before he passed away, I asked him to say Sai, Sai and with husky voice, he said “Sai..Sai”.
That night, I read Lalitha Sahasranamam twice massaging my Appa’s stomach, legs and back.
I am deeply pained now the past 3 weeks friends. Amma and Me often call Appa in home and ask “Appa where did you go?
Appa, you love having food. Now, we are eating this, please have it.
Appa, you used to make Coffee for me. Where are you now?
If I sit in veranda, he immediately switches on the Fan and says “Fan potutu ukaaru da”. Even outside home, my Father doesn’t allow me to sit without fan.
Sai in a way, hurt me friends. That’s because my Sister, Amma and me could not bear this pain. We don’t know how to live without our lovely Appa.
Before 5-6 years, I had a dream as if my Father is telling me with excitement “Build the school”. So it was my firm belief that someday, I will be successful in my Career or Startup that I will build a school in my parent’s name.
So it is really painful that such dreams never came true when my Appa is alive.
My Appa’s contribution and support in helping me serve Sai Baba
Many of you who follow StarSai for years will know that most of the articles will have mention of my Mother or my Father. In 2005, when I was coming around holy dhuni (sacred fire) of Sai for 3-4 hours in Saibaba temple at Coimbatore, my parents only encouraged me to serve Sai baba. My Mom used to scold me sometimes for coming with a dirty shirt full of ashes after cleaning holy dhuni. My skin in palm used to peal due to heat.
My Father always was supportive in all the works I did for Saibaba. For years, when I was serving Sai in Nagasai mandir, cleaning Dhuni, my Appa never commented on it.
Parents don’t usually like their adult children to get too much into spirituality but my Appa probably felt, I am only doing good karma.
Just that, 5-6 years back, when I used to light 108 lamps and do other pooja occasionally at home, he did not like it much especially because he felt that I will become a saint or saadhu kind of person if I am getting too much into these rituals.
Though my Appa loves Sai Baba, he often commented that who am I to guide Sai devotees? Basically, he was of the thought that each one should lead a good life and take decisions on their own and follow a good path.
This is one of the reason, I limit myself with saying prayers when devotees write to me but I will never engage in helping them take right decision.
I should never become a wall between Saibaba and his devotee. You know what you are, you know your needs and desires, you know your situation at work, family and in society. So based on that you only should speak to your own close friends or parents or elders in family to take decision.
Both my parents does not allow me to send Udi by courier. This was the only restriction they kept. Probably, they thought that I should limit myself with serving Saibaba by writing articles, making videos and going to near by Saibaba temple.
You would have read some of my articles against making a Whatsapp group for Sai devotees. This again is because I care for devotee’s personal information. Your mobile number should only be known to people whom you personally share it with. These nature in me was probably inspired by my Appa who sometimes scolds me for chatting or speaking to Sai friends.
Appa used to tell me, what are you going to advice or guide others. Each one decides what to do with their life. You mind your life.
I write this for youngters who deeply love Saibaba. Kindly have a balance with your spiritual life and personal/professional life.
My Appa keeps asking me to earn better for my future. One of his desire was that I should buy a small piece of land for myself in outskirts of Coimbatore. He was deeply worried how I am going to manage when I am his age. As a honest Government employee my Father got pension. So he was worried how I am going to survive in future.
My Father’s worried especially since I wasn’t successful in my career all these years. I keep facing problems and never grew as a professional. Just that I had some job to survive.
The most painful thing is the fact that I lost my job in April and my Appa was little upset about it. But I never stopped working. The very next day, I launched my Startup and was busy with it. I kept assuring my Appa that I will somehow find a good job.
When I also got fever, Appa was deeply pained.
I have never seen my Appa shedding tears all my life. He is completely against crying and scolds me if I do.
Appa had gone to the temple he serves for years and spoke to Goddess Thaiyalnayagi to whom he offered garlands for years like this
“My Son lost his job. That’s Okay. But now, why did you also give him fever?” He had come home and told my Amma that he shed tears to Goddess asking her to cure me.
Appa was worried that I got some fever due to Corona but thankfully, my fever only lasted for 3 days and I completely got cured. It was a viral flu but it made my Appa fear a lot. Just that, I told Appa not to touch me. I wanted to be careful.
From my childhood, if my Sister, Amma or I have fever, my Appa had habit of touching our forehead to check if we have fever. All parents do it but my Father had a special way of doing it. His palm will give a very hard press on our forehead and we could feel his love for us.
Thankfully, one day, when I was on bed, my Appa did touch my head, massaged my chest and he felt happy that I did not had fever. He asked “Should I massage your legs. I said, no Appa”. Since he did not wash his palm after that, I scolded him saying you should be careful these days.
Little did I know that my sweet, lovely Appa won’t be there to touch my forehead in the next one week.
Due to Covid season, I myself asked our relatives living in other cities not to come home. Only my Mom’s Sister and her husband came home. My Father’s colleagues who continue to be his good friends 20 years after retirement and who all together serve in the colony Ganesha temple came for help. Only with my Father’s friend and the priest of the temple for whom my Appa had done some favors, I was able to do the last rites.
Amma and me were all alone the night appa passed away. Usually relatives come home but due to pandemic, I myself asked all my relatives outside Coimbatore not to travel. Amma felt pain deep in her chest remembering Appa. So sometimes, I held her palm.
Amma also had fever which took almost a week to get healed. Those were the scary days friends. I trusted my Appa as Guru himself and asked him to heal my Amma. Thankfully, within a week, my Amma’s fever subsided but the mental pain continues friends.
Sometimes, Suddenly Amma and me begin to cry remembering Appa. I have asked my Appa to be my Guru. My Appa likes it when he says something and I listen to it.
So I told Sai and Appa like this
“Appa, all that I do in my life should either be instructed by Saibaba or you. So please guide me in dream. “
For days, no dreams came. Amma kept asking where did Appa hide from us and where did he go.
Almost 3 weeks later, I was blessed with a divine dream.
It was a very beautiful and divine garden with sacred trees, plants and flowers. I see a lady cooking and she also looks divine. Then, I see a huge statue and tell to myself “It’s Gayathri Devi”.
When Appa was sick, in the last 3 hours, I recited Lalitha Saharanamam Twice. Then, I chanted Sai and Palani Murugan’s name. Seconds before Appa’s soul left to Sai, I asked him to say “Sai, Sai” and he did. So I assured Amma that Appa is in the divine garden of Mother Goddess and Shiva. He will keep blessing us.
I posted the below message in one of my Social channel. ( Tried to tell the same story in a few words)
“My lovely Appa, the treasure of my life attained divine abode on the night of May 14th 2021. He lived all his life to bring happiness for my Sister & me.
I couldn’t believe that my Father will leave me suddenly. Less than couple of month back, I lost my job. My Appa believed that I will manage but it made him worry about my future. I assured him that I will be fine & he also was confident. I lived all my life with my parents & wanted to work in Coimbatore or find a remote job.
India is a Country where people speak as if I lost my citizenship just because I can’t get married on time. That being my Father’s only desire, I feel that Sai has not been kind to me.
During the first week of May, I got fever & Sick. I slept alone at home & just took a CT Scan to ensure I get the right treatment. Within a week, I was completely alright but I was weak. I kept assuring my Father that I am Okay.
I have never seen my Appa shedding tears but he had gone to the temple where he serves and shed tears to Goddess saying my Son lost his job, that’s okay but why did you gave him fever?
Appa had aneurism but since he already had 3 other Surgeries, my Sister & I could not force him to accept one more. He hates getting admitted in hospital & assured us that he will be fine.
Both my Amma and Appa used to tell this to me. If we are too sick & if we you think ICU or Doctor’s could not help us, please don’t let us suffer in hospital. We wanted to pass away peacefully at home.
Appa peacefully passed away on my lap.
My Amma got sick due to trauma & had high temperature. I did not even had time for grief & had to take care of Amma. The past 16 days, I hardly sleep, wake up early & take care of Amma.
Thankfully, Sai has made my Amma better. My Appa named me as he wanted me to be a scientist like Sir.C.V.Raman. My Sister did her Ph.d in Germany & is a Scientist in the US. She runs her lab in Appa’s name being her last name.
In 2018, a visit to my Sister’s research lab made my parents proud.
I always ask Amma if I have done anything that made Appa proud? She replied, you were always with him, bought him whatever he wanted & whenever he wanted to go to temples, a wedding or any place, you never deny & immediately take him in your Car. I had brought my Appa’s life back 4 times earlier in the last 18 years whenever he fainted. Appa kept telling that all his siblings are jealous that his Son is near him.
I am not sure how I am going to earn my living. I couldn’t touch my Laptop for days. So made a video. When I had fever, I told appa, don’t touch me & he was upset about it.
Thankfully, I massaged his legs, stomach & chest for almost 3 hours chanting Palani Murugan’s name before he left to divine abode. I touched you Appa! I am all yours! Please touch us with your divine hands all our life.
If you call “Appa (Father) ” in your mother tongue & if someone is going to respond, trust me, you are the luckiest person on Earth!
Here’s a video I made
I kept Appa’s photograph and Saibaba Statue near him. I also light lamp to him. It’s deeply paining sometimes whenever I remember the ways Appa cared for me all these years. His way of calling me Vengattu, Thambi! His way of calling me to have food. The morning Coffee or Boost he makes for me, sometimes when he makes idli in the morning as Amma is not well, he will feel happy if I have those idly immediately and go back to sleep. Today, I am waking up at 5.30 in the morning to take care of Amma.
I told Amma and my Sister that since Appa served Lord Shiva and Mother Goddess in near by temple for over a decade making garland and doing all service and since he also led a divine life, I wanted to see Appa as Guru.
So I whenever I remember Appa, I chant
“Om Sai Appa”
“Om Sai Appa”
“Om Sai Appa”
The day before Appa passed away, Amma was not well. So we took her to clinic and he did all the work after coming home. Appa used to help appa during morning time cutting vegetables etc but at night, he used to go to temple and watch TV.
That day, he said “You are doing lots of work at night Meena. Here after, I will do 50% of the work you do at night also”.
So I took it as my Appa’s message to me. I started to learn cooking and helping Amma. Once I get job also, I will ensure that I take care of Amma the way Appa did to her all these 45 years.
I have a desire.
All my Sai friends helped to console me saying Saibaba did not do any harm and he only tried to help Appa pass away without suffering with health problems. So I told this to Sai,
I asked Saibaba to speak to my Appa every evening about everything they both love to talk!
I hope someday, Saibaba will confirm that Appa and him are having a good time every evening talking and having tea!
Love you Appa,
Sai did hurt me by taking you away from me, Indra and Amma but I continue to love Sai because I have none other to hold on. I believe that you are with Sai!
Please tell me whatever you wanted me to do Appa!
Come in my dreams.
Speak to me.
Touch me, Amma, Indra, Katya and Kamesh with your divine hands!
With so much love and tears,
Your Son for whom you will give your life!
8th June 2021
Om Sai Ram