Depressed to core


Today, I kept myself happy at work. Many people in Office find that my head is shining too much as I had offered my hair. Probably since I don’t have much hair, its like that. One guy said that I look like the ghost in the Onida TV ad. I told him that I prefer to be an Alien. Having said that, the only thing shining in my life is my head. There’s nothing inside though.

In many ways, I am also living like an alien. I don’t seem to belong to this planet. I am not sure if I also belong to human species. I must have jumped down from a universe where people live based on dreams. That’s how I am leading my life right?

One of this guy asked me to draw myself and I drew along with my mobile which has lots of crack as I dropped it down yesturday.

In the evening since none of my friends joined me, I went to break alone and walked to the sandwitch shop. I liked the weather as it was cloudy. I saw a Lorry driver who had come from Haryana filling a huge can with water. May be, he’s starting back from Coimbatore to North India tonight and he’s preparing for the same. I am fascinated by ordinary Indian’s like this.

I went to Saibaba temple near office while night Aarti was going on. Usually, during weekdays, none will be there. I was looking at Saibaba in Dwarakamai and told him my worries. I also told him that I feel ashamed for all the experiences I had in the past few month since he showed this girl at work in dream. I told him that I must have thought twice before I reacted to his dreams and now he’s not helping me to prove that Sai was a part of all I did. Anyway, I suffered and wish to get out of it now.

I also felt bad for having few names for this girl because I am nobody to her. I have no rights to admire or have a nick name for a girl. These are small mistakes I did without my own knowledge. I did not understood the seriousness of what I am writing and imagining. The past one week, I ask myself if its right for me to even look at this girl? Already, I must have done some sins to some girl in some birth. Why should I bother this girl by looking at her?

If a girl hates me, then, its not decent to look at her.

I am going to repeat these words again and again so that I will get buddhi not to see her anylonger. I honestly never saw her over a year. Only the last 2-3 month, I see her once in a while. Even when I see her, I only feel that I have bothered a girl unnecessarily.

So I prayed Sai to gradually help me get rid of desiring to see her. Slowly, I wanted to completely forget this girl because I don’t wanna disturb anyone. Its true that Sai showed her in dream but that could be for some reason. Unless Sai wills, I will never understand the reason. I can’t even question Sai that he has hurt me by playing with my emotions because in many other issues, Sai has proven how much he cares for me.

So in in this girls issue alone, Sai took liberty to hurt me.

I spoke to Sai in my mind to help me behave properly and never bother any girl.

The night aarti got over and the security gave me prasad.

When I lost the Gold ring in Saibaba temple, a girl saw me searching for the same. Today, the same girl had come to temple. She asked me if I found the ring. I told her, “I was worried about it but what to do?”. She smiled and went away.

No body was there in that area after the temple was closed. I stood near my Car in the dark for a while. I don’t know what to do with my life. I reached home at 10.

I was speaking to my Mom when She asked me

“What will you do after me. You will come and see the home is empty”

I started having tears in my eyes.

Do people cry at this age? Will a Man cry?

My Dad saw me and asked me not to cry like this as it hurts him a lot.

At times, when I do small talk in office or have some fun, people assume that I am happy. The other day, one of this girl said, I am too happy. May be, I know to lead two different life or I know to act. Only Sai knows what I am going through. Its hell.

I respect Sai and his words which makes me survive.

I trust Sai will protect my Mom and Dad. This is all I need Sai. Atleast for few more years.

I am depressed to core today.

Again, I will show tooth to my friends at work tommorow and have small talks as if everything in my life is completely alright.

Yeah. I know to act.

Have been doing it for years.

Only my Sai knows what’s inside me. Its better to die than staying alive like this.

Edit – I did not had any dreams. I woke up and felt really painful as I trust Sai immensely and it doesn’t make sense how Sai can’t help me when I need him most. Even if Sai has blessed me with dreams of this girl, I must have behaved in occordance to my age. My life must have been peaceful had I kept everything to myself. There’s no point in writing in this StarSai repeatedly when Sai doesn’t seem to care for me. I am supposed to go through this all alone. After I came back from Palani, I am trying to see reality. I don’t wanna speak, look or even think of this girl anymore as I crossed my threshold to get clarity from Sai. I don’t think I will ever get an answer. It happened for me to suffer and nothing else.


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