Wish I could write something beyond my personal life in StarSai. I had always thought about this but somehow, it has become my habit to write about my life. May be, its much better if I keep things within myself. I just don’t know how to proceed. I will keep a check on how to gradually reduce writing about my life.
Many times, I used to imagine this. If I ever get married, will I be able to write what ever is happening in my life here?
How many couples actually lead a very peaceful life. People argue. They have problems. They can’t live if they keep complaining.
In the last 3 month, I wrote so much about my own personal life. The most indecent thing of all is also writing about someone who also might have felt bad of me. OK..I get dreams and I write about it. What’s the use? My dreams are dreams. Its not reality. It comes and goes. Only I bear it in my heart for lifetime.
Its not fair on my part to write about someone whom I don’t know personally just because Saibaba allows me to express my feelings here. So I have taken a decision to gradually focus on something more worthy. Life has so much to do than simply expressing what’s happening. I must plan something more productive.
I do not like to write about Pooja, Lighting lamps, Rituals and Devotees experience here. I wrote enough of it and I will keep encouraging people to do it. In spiriutality, honesty is more important which is why I tried to tell what ever I am going through. But I realized, it became too much now. To me, Sai devotion is something more than simply doing pooja and singing Aarti. It has several circles in it and one must be completely open when it comes to serving a Saint which I tried to do. I don’t want to portray myself as all Gold here. I must accept my mistakes and short-comings which is all I tried to do.
One of the very reason I complicated the current problem I am going through is because I kept writing about someone which isn’t right at all. Then, I started feeling guilty about it. Then, I kept holding on to it. So whos mistake is it? Even Sai will think its my own problem and I must know how to short it out. He shows dreams and shuts his shop as he has millions of devotees to take care of. He has no time to explain what he wants to convey. I must have buddhi to understand which I am still trying to. May be, he was just testing how I react to his words?
I have few more years to go. Either I must lead a normal life accepting what ever comes or I must do something to make a mark. I don’t see any value in showing all my depression and worries in StarSai. Saibaba never wanted any of his devotees to show their worries alone. I am supposed to be content with what I have, what I get and move on with my life.
But sometimes, I really get pained of how badly I have ruined my life.
Elon Musk launched several Unicorn Startups and even a Company which makes worlds finest electric cars when he was my age. Why I din’t do it? Because I am lazy and I never did anything consistantly. I simply complain. How much I complain on Saibaba for my own failures. I torchured Saibaba so much that he must have felt its better not to have a devotee like me.
Today, My parents were really worried about me and shouted a lot at me for living like this. They pleaded me to change and I said, I shall. But how can I ignored my Sai? He’s always with me as heart and soul.
I just don’t know how to live practically after more than 10 years of leading a life focussed on Sai and Sai alone.
I am really not going to achieve anything if I worry so much and keep complaining. The best way to go farward is to forget everything and focus on how I can lead a purposeful life atleast in the years to come. How much do I have? I think few- few years. I did nothing so long. Literally nothing. I simply complain that Saibaba only gave me so much. It’s wrong.Its because of my own fault.
I simply dream. I don’t really do anything for it. I get bored and let go of it.
My Father too said how many years are you going to worry that you din’t became a filmmaker. Now, you are in some other career and hence accept it happily. Well., I do accept it but sometimes, when I suddenly listen to the songs from the movies I worked and the cinematography I admired, it pierces my heart so sharply. I just avoided watching movies for this reason but that too doesn’t help me much.
So that’s it.
I have few more years to go.
All I have is StarSai which is my treasure.
I must focus on what can bring happiness into everyone who comes to StarSai and simply focus on that
Sai himself is bored of me and my stupid writings.
I think Saibaba hates me to core today.
Ok Baba never hates but that’s how I have behaved. What else will he do?