I have gone through enough now and I am fed up with all the experiences I had for the past few month. Just because I innocently trusted Sai’s dream, I kept holding on to it and now, I decided to give-up thinking about this girl anymore. On March 23rd was my Mom’s birthday. Occasionally, she feels dizzy even when she’s in kitchen and it scares me when ever I am away from home. I believe Saibaba will take care of her. She never had sugar all these years and tests show she has high sugar now. It upsets me as most medicines bother her with stomach ache. I believe Saibaba will heal my Ma.
When my parents aren’t in good health, I can’t burden myself anymore thinking about this girl and ruining her life also though I never bother her.
I told Saibaba that I feel ashamed that I can’t prove anyone that I honestly had these dreams. I have not only been insulted, I have also let down my Guru for people might think why should Baba tell him anything which isn’t anyway close to reality? The more I think of this girl relating to Sai dreams, the more I complicate her life. So I better giveup all this and focus on what matters most in my life.
I went to Saibaba temple and asked him where I did the mistake. Finally, I realized where I went wrong.
I must have kept everything with me. Its foolish to tell about Sai dreams to this girl or even my close friends. If I really had some experiences, I must have kept it to myself, shut my mouth and kept calm. Even years back, I had faced such situation when I innocently relate Sai dreams to reality. The surprising part is, though none have to tell me, Sai himself also tells me what in reality is happening in the girls life. I told Baba about the decision I took. I am totally ruined.
Why should this girl or any girl for that matter trust the dreams I had?
On Friday, I realized about my own attitude. Sometimes, devotees used to tell me you know this person built Saibaba temple because Baba came in his dream and asked to build temple. I give a look at them but won’t say what’s running in my mind. Yenda..Baba enta solla maatingaraaru? (Baba did ask me to build a temple in a dream I had 6-7 month back but I will do it few years from now. There’s a time for everything in life).
Anyway, Its my habit to doubt people if they say dreams which I don’t wanted to trust. So I decide which dream to trust and which to ignore. Not that I don’t respect the purticular devotee or Sai but I am applying my perception to it. There are innocent Sai devotees who share their dreams and I trust them whole heartedly. But some devotees seem to contruct dreams on their own for namesake.
So what’s wrong in this girl not trusting me?
I must have not hurried and told her these experiences. I have only let down Saibaba by doing this. If Sai tells me something, its just an experience I had. I have no rights to bother others though they may also be a Sai devotee.
I was able to tolerate when my Father got sick last year. Now that my Mom is too weak that I wanted to give up all this and completely forget this. Sometimes, when my friends tease me hinting my dreams, I feel as if a knife is passing through my heart. I feel that I am not able to prove the holiness of my sweet Sai and how powerful are his words. I am his servant and I must make him feel proud of myself. But I let him down in this issue.
Many devotees tell me that I am lucky to be blessed with so many dreams. Honestly, its not always a cool thing. This purticular issue has led me to into depression. I forcefully have to stay positive believing everything happens for good.
Baba gave me this message – Even if I help you, don’t be proud of that because people won’t understand that I am in you.
It applied to every Sai devotee. Don’t tell others how much Sai is alive and helping you and living in yourself as antaryami. Because none will understand what you say.
The only way Saibaba saved me is by making me focus on something productive through the site he asked me to make. My life would have been more painful had I not made – Office Experience
Its really hard to have a full time job and work late night and early mornings for the new site but I have to do it. I have a mission and for the first time everyone I reach out are able to understand that I have a dream and working hard for it. A year from now, I will create a platform which touches lives of thousands of professionals across the length and breath of India and globally.
Where did you keep Shirdi Saibaba in the square shaped heart?
I am not sure who discovered the shape of heart/Mind? One of the biggest misconception in the history of mankind is giving shape to Heart – Mind – Soul etc for it is formless. It gets the shape you give it in your imagination.
If you imagine heart(Mind and Soul) is square shaped, where did you keep Shirdi Saibaba in the box?
There’s a reason I wrote this. My mind was restless because I got so much confused because of Sai dreams all these months and gave so much importance to this girl. I felt, its better to chant Sai’s holy name. When I was in Mumbai, I used to have a chanting counter in my palm. Right from the moment I start from my room to the moment I reach film school, I used to chant Sai, Sai Sai. Sometimes, I would have chanted Sai Sai Sai for over 4000 to 10,000 times. Later, I started doing this chanting in mind without chanting counter.
Now a days, I am not at all chanting Sai’s name sincerely. I speak a lot, make fun and simply worry so much.
I downloaded a counting app in mobile which counts as we tap. On Friday, I used it occassionally in office until late night at home when Mom was not well. I was able to chant Sai Sai Sai over 4,500 times.
What’s in a number? Its in the way you love Sai
You know how I try to feel the Sai in me?
I imagine there’s a Box inside myself. I construct Dwarakamai as it was during Baba’s lifetime in Shirdi. Then, I make a Dhuni and a cellar which is a place to keep Baba’s tin pot, kafni etc. Then, I imagine the place where Baba sits. I bring Baba to life. I can feel he’s walking around inside Dwarakamai. I can clearly feel he is speaking to himself and to me. I could feel he is speaking to me about his care for other devotees. All the while, I chant Sai Sai Sai in mind.
I have been able to feel Saibaba in my heart by doing this kind of imagination. You may not have time to do meditation but all of you can imagine. You can imagine the ancient Shirdi which had just 80 huts. The Shirdi where Baba lived, played and did wonderful leelas.
How beautiful is that Shirdi.
Build that Dwarakamai in yourself.
When I was writing this article, my Father was watching live darshan of Shirdi in which they were playing this beautiful bhajan –
Sairam Saishyam – Tu Antaryami, Sabka Swami – Sai…You live inside one’s heart and you are everyone’s God
How true is it that Sai lives deep in your heart.
Just believe that he lives in you.
Sai will show his presence in yourself
Om Sai Ram