Sairam friends,
There is a time in life when we have to tell the truth about what we really are. If not I will only live an imaginary life. I have seen so many guys who are good and they really are good. When I compare myself with them, I really must say they are more skillful, polite and have a good heart. I believe I am cheating myself and the whole world as many people think I am Good. I may not be bad but honestly, I have lots of negatives which probably must be the reason for my sufferings.
I don’t have any bad habits. I mean all those habits that’s termed bad in Indian culture. At the same time, I also don’t have many good habits which other men might possess. I wonder what I would have been if StarSai was not born 10 years back?
The only satisfaction I have is that through StarSai, I have inspired many people to do some good deeds, have faith in Sai and Gods they love and fraction of people who came to StarSai has found peace in their life. But that’s one side of the story.
The other side is very painful. There are so many Sai devotees who mail me with problems and now a days I don’t reply much because Sai alone can show them a way. I can pray for them as humble devotee. There are devotees facing worst pains in life from financial issues to health issues to relationship problem. I hope they hold on to Sai’s holy feet and learn to live in peace. Someday they will find peace in their life if they have patience.
Today, I was sleeping all the day as I had headache and I was going through some problem. In the evening, I went to Rathna Vinayakar temple. Surprisingly the little Ganesha behind the temple din’t had any flowers over him. I like to come around this Ganesha sitting under the trees and trust me …This Ganesha is Tiny and cute.
I had a dream last night as if I offer water to Ganesha. So I took water in the little Pot silently before any priests look at me and poured it to Ganesha. I have seen some men and priests shouting at devotees who often come and pour water on this Ganesha. They will say “Summa Summa Thanniya oothaadheenga”…Don’t pour water often.
Today no one was there. So I quickly poured water to Little Ganesha chanting mantra, kept the little pot back in its place fastly and came around the tree as if I din’t do anything. I was speaking to Sai and Ganesha in my mind about my problems and how they are stone hearted and not showing their grace. I said, Look, There is no point in being so devoted and so I am going to become more bad if they don’t help me.
Then I walked to Kamakshi Amman temple. There was this guy who came with his girl friend and not allowing me space to walk. “Kadupethraaan My Lord”. I moved ahead. I din’t recite Datta Stavam which I usually Sing to Dattatreya in mind. I was angry with all Gods.
I loved Kamakshi Amman as she was in green saree and she’s always fills my heart with divinity. Then I went to Annapurna Temple, offered little rice bag and lit lamps.The priest smiled to me and I was there few minutes. Then I went to Saibaba temple.
I lit lamps and was sadly sitting in Dwarakamai. A uncle who had been to Sabari Malai asked his son to give me Prasad which made me happy. I don’t pray Lord Ayyapa much but due to my friend, I become devoted to him. My friend was digging dhuni. It was too hot today. I already had pain in eyes but he wanted me to help. So I got down the dhuni tank and wiped the hot ashes of Udi. I also digged the Dhuni for sometime.
I came home and my father asked me if I can download Thiru Palli Eluchi sung in praise of Lord Shiva but could not find the song he wanted to play in Colony Ganesha temple. I gave him a C.D of Thirupavai in praise of Goddess Andal as its the beginning of Tamil month of Margali.
I have some problem with my eyes now and also feeling depressed. Honestly I am not so good. I just do little I can for Sai children and irrespective of all this devotion, I am really not pure and good. I am neither bad nor good. It is the compassion of Sai and his love on me that he accepted me as his little servant irrespective of all my negative qualities.
You see, having a spiritual site makes people think the person who writes so much good about Sai and God must be good. But why ? This is a wrong example. Please don’t trust me or any one who serves God easily. We also have our own good and bad qualities. I will live few years and pass away. After 1000 years, I don’t want Sai devotees to respect anyone just because they serve Shirdi Saibaba.
Serving Sai doesn’t make me good. Serving Sai honestly gives me all opportunities to be pure and good but am I using all the opportunities properly?
Some time back an American lady mailed me that she likes StarSai and wishes to marry me. ( Akka Naan Illinga). I told her I have someone in my mind and humbly requested her to follow Sai’s path and she will be blessed with a good life. All this made me think if I am really good?
If I am really that good, Sai would have helped me for sure. I am still in pain and difficulties which means , I have to change myself in such a way that it satisfies Sai and all the Gods I love.
May be I am simply in my journey towards being Good.
I am not good but Sai accepts me as his little Servant which is why I call him the most tolerant saint of all. No other Guru can bear someone worse like me. Sai alone can and so my life goes on in the holy feet of Sai.
The past 2 days, I really suffered a lot mentally Baba. Please bring happiness in my life. I am really pleading you.
Venkat
This morning, I listend to Thiruppavai remembering Goddess Andal of Srivilliputhur.
I believe Sai has good things in store !
