Sai, help me stop expressing something that’s too personal to me

Sairam friends,

From the day I began this back in August 2016, September 2nd week, I wanted to avoid mentioning about someone in StarSai. Infact, that was a promise I made to myself. Somehow, I am not able to stop mentioning and I keep writing about it. Many of my Sai friends are starting to ask who’s this? What happened to me etc. Thanks for the care but its my own mistake irrespective of how much I loop in Sai into it. I think, its high time I stop writing about this any longer. Just that, my writings has always expressed what’s going on in my mind all these years.So when my mind is occupied with this issue, I casually express it.

I feel, I must keep this issue within myself. Its too personal to me. 

The only benefit I got due to this whole episode is my ability to completely change the content strategy for StarSai.

Articles like this are very very important for me for it expresses reality of human mind –

Sai…I am not pure

Why on Earth should a website dedicated to Saibaba just have some miraculous experiences, Bhajans, Pooja etc? You can get it every where. I want this place to be a “Temple of Humanity”. Its about life. Its about what’s happening to people, their heart and how they react to it. Few years from now, I am not sure if I can be this open about my life or may be, I might.

Secondly, I wanted to show the reality of people who serve Sai or any Saints or God for that matter. People unecessaritly consider them as someone great. No! Give some respect to them and thank them for what they do but never think they are pure and holy. Not at all. None can be as pure as my Shirdi Saibaba.

Look at me. I am always with Sai but how does my mind work? I can hide all that’s happening in my life, write spiritual articles and show that I am a clean slate to the world. Why am I not doing it? I wanted to establish myself as someone who serves Sai but still has his own ups and downs in life. His own confusions and clarity. His own dreams and destinations.

According to me, an ordinary Sai devotee who comes innocently to temple and offers his humble pranams to Saibaba is more devoted to Sai than me or anyone who claims to serve Sai.

The only reason I really wish to stop writing about this issue is because it involves someone else and its happening in the place I work. I feel that I am not respecting others privacy. I have never been like this all my life. It must have happened few years back. I kept asking Baba why did you show me such dreams at this point in my life?

Even one of my friend said “May be, its not Sai who told you and may be its someone else”.

No. I can’t agree with this.

That’s because he told me the Name.

Yedhuku Sai perla sonna? This made me go crazy about it when someone is living their life. Its like I behaved so indecently for first time in my life with a girl. I din’t do anything but I know she lives her life. Who am I to get in between? Just because you showed some dreams? You must tell me what’s truth. I trust you but why should I trust something that is completely “Untrue” in reality?

Who got embarrassed in the end Sai? I know you are bearing my pain but think about the name you got me. I wish to end this somewhere or I must keep it as a secret within myself and focus on something else. There are few things you asked me to keep within myself and I did that. When you say all this to me, why should I continue like this? Where am I going to end up.

Today, you told me something. It was really like an answer and it satisfied me. I am not going to express it here as its too personal to me. Having said that, I wonder why you did this to me? Why did we begin this? Just for me to get embarrassed in a place I had always remained careful?

If you want me to pray for someone’s good life, You can directly ask me to do that. I would have done that happily as I have done to many girls in the past. Why should I unnecessariy get into this and get hurt? Why did you do this to me Sai. I can’t stop asking this question. Even if you had asked me to silently pray for this girls beautiful life as she desires, I would have done that. Have I not done such prayers to so many other girls in past? Even girls to whom I had hardly spoken to were in my prayers. This time, why did things went beyond my control? We both always silently short out issues. We have so many secrets between us Sai. Why this should become public. Just for me to get hurt and humiliated?

I always believe there must be something good in everything. And there’s a bigger cause for a cause”.

I am totally confused.

One of my friend asked me to stop all this for a while. I too felt I must stop this. Just give me ability to stop thinking about this and questioning you about the dreams you blessed me with.

I can’t forget this Sai. Not until I die. This scare will heal but not what you told me.

I take your words as my life.

But someone is living their life.

Why din’t you stop me in early? You always smartly make me stop something before it gets out of my hand. This time, what were you doing Sai. Instead, You encouraged me.

Please…Come in dream and tell me what to do.

I just want to end this but I will do it only if you instruct me.

I want your “Words”.

Cleara sollu Sai. Let’s end it somewhere. Atleast now.

I am expecting it and going to sleep now

Om Sai Ram

Venkat