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I wish every other person gets what I lost in my life

Written by venkatraman

Sairam friends,

This morning when my Father was listening to Bhilvastakam, I was wondering why Saibaba doesn’t bless me with a divine song like this in the past 4 month and instead choose to show me some dreams related to songs in a movie or make me listen to a lyrics of Hindi and Tamil song itself? Only after this experience, I am actually showing interest in listening to lots of Tamil songs.

This is a spiritual site. Oh..Yeah..Supposed to be one but what ever I am sharing in the past 4 month is little strange.

It resonates my personal attitude.

  1. I don’t want my readers or any Sai devotee to be religious and focus on Sai alone. Very few people who are very much into Sai devotion try to live such a life. This isn’t want Sai expects from us. Do what ever makes you happy but make sure you do anything that remains within righteousness.
  2. Sai devotees who restrict Saibaba to a saint who is too divine and not mixing him with our day to day life can easily realize how close Sai is with our popular culture including songs, music and movies.
  3. The most important answer that satisfied me was this. May be, Baba showed me songs from movies as he knows already I am confused. If his messages to me were too spiritual or divine, I would have lived in a world completely detached from the world we live. Already 2-3 of my friends who knew what I am going through feel that I am living in my own imaginary world.
  4. Music gets you own of depression

I seem to be happy. I laugh a lot these days. But I equally like to spend some time alone and try to understand what really Saibaba is trying to tell me? I also speak to Sai in my heart when ever I walk around. I go deep into my own thoughts even when few of my friends are around because this experience is humiliating me than anything else I have faced all my life. All this leads to a depressed state of mind. But when Sai baba has shown me a song in dream, I am tempted to listen to it which diverts my mind.

I love Music..Then, I see the visuals since I love Cinematography. I also get lots of surprise because its truly a very very different experience on how Sai very smartly relates these songs and movies to me. No other saint in the whole universe can be so unique. He has confused me and hurt me to core in the past 4 month but every single dream shows how much he works for me.

This is the only reason, I honestly express that Sai is showing some songs in dreams. If I am not surprised, I would have not been so open to all of you. I just can’t prove it to anyone. Its between Sai and myself. Others can’t understand me.

I wish to go somewhere and live outside this space for few days but where would I go? I am assuming within few month, I will get a clarity from Sai and wanted to hide from this environment until then. But that isn’t Sai’s ways. Sai has always made me go through what ever he wants me go experience and he likes to make me get embarrassed. But he’s with me because he continues to show me dreams.

He never once said what he said was untrue though I ask him to say that every single night.

Its karmic. I wonder what Sin I did to which girl in some birth of mine?

I am going with Sai’s flow. At one stage, I will give up interest even in learning why all this happened? I wish to do something creative and beautiful that I forget all these. Lets see

After I  completed doing a small promo film at work, I feel little bored. I am not able to sit in one place. I watched several videos today and received lots of comments.

  1. You only watch videos in which girls speak.

When this guy told this, I told him “Oh Yeah..I see both men and women professionals speaking but seems mostly its girls…May be since I admire how they manage to speak infront of a crowd as I get nervous when ever I see crowd.”

Later, I asked him to suggest few videos. Within 5 minutes he asked me to play videos in which some girls speak. I laughed a lot and said “Look..You also like to see girls speaking…”

After sometime, I got another comment by evening

2. One of this guy said ‘You always like having people around you and you simply watch videos”. He kept on irritating me from lunch. I got annoyed and told him “Yeah..People like to watch videos and hence they see few minutes and go especially because I am in a place where people can see my monitor. But I don’t force anyone to see. Its their wish as everyone wants to relax 2-3 minutes between their work”

I actually shouted at him. He used some words which wasn’t right. But I went back to him and apologized because I don’t like hurting anyone. My friends kept asking me why should I go and speak to him? I said, Its a small life.

I told him, the past 1 week everyone has different comments on me but I don’t care about it.

That I am like this..Why should I care for girls? That I show off.

Yeah. Speak what ever you wish. I am what I am. After 5 years in an organization, I don’t like to fake my work. Many people think its videos I make but honestly its this culture I wish to impact. There must be more transparency and more opportunities for people to learn. I am not able to carry out what I have in mind due to my own inability. Lets see what I can do.

There’s only one reason behind all my efforts both in my personal life and work.

I want every other person to get what I lost in my life.

I have never achieved what I dreamt to. I must have been more stubborn in my goals but I could not withstand the storm in my life. Sometimes, I am seem to be laughing and happy but its all a time pass. Deep in me there’s so much I lost. So much I wanted to have in life which would never happen in my life. I am nobody because I played with my time.

15 days back one of my friend told me ” You look old after you offered your hair in Tirupati”. I was really happy when he said this because that’s what I wanted me to realize. That I must have some maturity and my current behavior isn’t right.

Now a days, I just wanted to do something that makes people they can do more with their life than what they are doing now. You really can do more with your life.

If you simply pass your time, you will end up being a failure like me. Failure is all about being ignorant. Being a dumbo.

After work hours, I was watching this TEDX talk by Pritika Mehta. One of this guy was telling me oh she’s cute. There are thousands of girls who are good looking. But the women who really matter to me are the one’s with substance. I admire girls who speak so nice…smarty..speak some tech..some wisdom. I hardly come across girls like these.

Here’s the video..

I am too bad at public speaking and hence I watch as many people as possible doing that. I like the way Pritika maintains her cool and smiles every couple of minutes during her speech.

Anyway..The moral of the article is this..

The more you learn, try and do, the better your life will be.

As of now, I am just learning what I can do to others than myself because I am lost. My life is lost. I wasted it. I can’t turn it back. I can just laugh making some stupid jokes.

I continue my experiment on Organizational behavior. Purposely watch more girls speaking online…He he..

I just do what I believe is right.

I am wasted!

One whole life of a human being is utterly wasted.

I want to do something…Anything that inspires every other person to get what I lost.

Call it my only desire that remains and meaningful.

Venkat

 

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venkatraman

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