After I wrote the previous article – Sai expects me to be positive and happy , I went to work. I feel that I have a responsibility to show a path to Sai children and not tell them what I am going through alone. I felt like unpublishing the article but let it be there because I want you to understand its not easy to lead life based on Sai’s words. I am confused, depressed and totally shattered.
I have been benefitted a lot by Sai and his dreams. I can’t deny how much Saibaba has helped me in so many ways. Even small issues like making sure I remain in Coimbatore is a Sai’s effort. 5 years back, I had a dream in which someone was asking me to go to Mumbai for work. I went to work and on the same day, someone asked me the same. I previously prepared an instant answer about the reason why I can’t do that job and escaped.
Just because Sai made me go through painful experience in this girls issue, I can’t ignore all the other favours he has done to me. I just told Sai that it seems I will never get an answer as of now. So its better I don’t ask for it. Time is the biggest healer. Hence, I will try to divert my mind.
I wanted to show my anger on Sai or basically my own self. Hence, I felt like doing the following
- I don’t want to go lunch.
I can skip lunch once in a while but can’t do it regularly. So can’t adopt this way.
2. I will skip having sweets
I can’t do this as I distribute prasad in Dwarakamai almost every evening and some devotees place sweets in my palm.
3. I will stop having fun and being happy
At times, I try to be calm but gradually I try to do some stupid stuff, speak to others and eventually laugh. I wanted to stop this. What’s there to laugh doing small talks when I am suffering?
I don’t belong to the current world. I always have such a feeling.
I would have been much more happy if I had lived in 18th century when Saibaba lived.
Imagine how it would have been in Shirdi during Sai’s life time?
It was a village with 80 huts. Saibaba used to be in Dwarakamai and walk to the little forest in Pimpalwadi road. Bayaji ma will be searching for Sai and offer him food. For this devotion, Saibaba gave her Son Tatya patel Rs.4 as gift every day. Baba asked him not to spend it or give it to others. Baba asked him to use the money properly. Once when the land deal came, Sai asked him to buy 20 acres of land.
I wish to be in a Shirdi village and not a town as it is today. I don’t belong to this century at all.
I like to go back on a time machine to 18th century.
We have complicated our lives a lot.
I feel that its my ego that is making me ask Sai for an answer. I must become more humble and polite. I have no rights to complain on Sai because he has rights to play around with my life.