Sai expects me to be positive and happy after making me feel guilty and embarrassed

Written by venkatraman

Sairam friends,

I am not in mood today and hence you can read previous articles I wrote on Pongal for past few years.

Thanks giving day for Sun God Surya Deva 

Learning to follow Tamil culture as parents are getting old

Helping parents cook Pongal on a hot day and Salutations to Goddess of Nature, Surya Sahasranama

Celebrated Pongal with Amma and Appa

Every year, on Pongal day, I used to take photographs of the way my Ma keeps Pongal outside our house. This year too I took some pictures but I kept thinking what’s there to be happy about? We have to do pooja and hence we do. My parents are not happy with me. What ever I do is wrong according to them. I am not a responsible Son. Its better I go some where and die. I am don’t have guts to do it as I feel what would my parents feel if I left them alone?

My Sister was focussed in what ever she wanna do. She did her Phd in Germany irrespective of all the hardships, worked sincerely for her career and She has always made my parents proud.

Where am I? I dreamt to be a Filmmaker. The first wrong decision of my life according to my Pa. He keeps telling that to me. Fine. I left it. I worked in Film school in Mumbai. That too wasn’t peaceful as I missed my parents. I came back to Coimbatore. I was happy as a Freelancer. I got job in an IT organization and felt I must be happy for this job as I love Coimbatore and wish to be with my parents.

But its not enough if I am with them. I have bothered them a lot. They have never seen me successful. I am always a dumbo and will continue to be a stupid.

May be, Saibaba also thinks that Venkat advices and guides others but he don’t know to live his own life.

Alone at work

I had to go to work all these Pongal holidays to complete a Promo film. I am managing to do with footage I took last year. Today, I was really upset with people at work. The Office credit card transaction failed and money was held. Someone said that management can’t give another card. Finally, I had to use my personal card to buy stock footage. All these 7 years, I have never expressed how I feel about this organization not recogonizing their employees. Today, I was too frustrated and mailed them that I spent 7 years here and if I commit something, I will get it done and hence I will use my own money. Wish I could leave this place so that they will have to spend few lakhs for every promo film they must do.

I was alone in the whole floor as it was Pongal festival in Tamilnadu. It was dark and I felt happy for this loneliness. After I did some post production, I kept the video for rendering. It took so long and hence I walked around the office and felt nice. I thought atleast one more Employee would be there but surprisingly, none had turned up.

This Sai has a beautiful expression on his face

I went near this Sai Statue and prayed to him to show me a way. Today since nobody was around, I lifted him and found the statue has good facial expression even when it was dark. He’s a very beautiful Sai. I might steal him if I decide to resign from this place and keep him in my pooja place at home.

I asked him in my mind – Why I was blessed with several dreams from September 2016. Why did he let me mail this girl? He would have stopped me for first 2 month, then, I would have never wrote this girl. I would have simply kept everything in my mind. I think its Karmic. I am supposed to get excited with the dream and do a mistake. Now, I am not able to come out of this guilt.

The past few month, when ever I see myself in mirror, I ask myself, Why did I do it? I must have behaved little matured and careful. I have never bothered any girl all my life. Even if I had, only they will eventually harm me. Why did I first of all desire a girl after all these years. Couple of my friends used to tease me that I am so old that I will die in 2 years. When people make fun of me like this, is it right on my part to think about this girl.

I started sheding tears to this Sai and told him it all started with him and he must end it soon. I asked him to help me understand reality. Did I imagine all those dreams? Did I lie to myself? But if this dream is a lie there were hundreds of other dreams in which Sai has guided me.

The first time I doubted Sai’s dreams was on March 15th 2017. I had a dream as if I chat with this girl. I don’t want to reveal other part of the dream.

I felt may be Sai wants me to add this girl in internal chat and added her. She immediately blocked me. I went to Saibaba temple and told him, you only showed a dream as if I chat with her. If she has blocked me then, it means, my dream and reality of even being a good friend of this girl is not possible. I felt really bad because even to add a girl in chat, I am dependent on a dream from Sai. When I followed what Sai said, I only had to face an insult. I kept asking Sai for the next one week – Namaku idhu thevaya Sai?

My Ma always tells me that some people can never become an Entrepreneur as they are destined to work for others. So I felt I must simply continue this job no matter what happens. On the other hand, in 2017, I made a little Startup secretly and desired to gift this girl in future as I always believed she’s smart to run a company.

I told Sai, how foolish I am to do all this? Why am I living such a strange life? When will I live a real life like other people? Why I can’t come out of the words Sai told me in dreams?

From November end, I got too tired and did not do any work for this Startup at night. Today evening, while I was in Saibaba temple, I felt like speaking to some of my old Sai friends.

I found this name ‘Akaksha” in my contact list and completely forgot about her. I called up. She remembered me. I told her that I could not remember her. I kept asking – Are you from Mumbai. When did you first mail me etc. Finally, when she said she is from Kanpur, I could remember her. She had completed her Journalism course two years back when she first wrote me. She wanted an internship these days. I offered her to work for my secret Startup but I can’t pay her unless I get serious about it and look for an investor. Just 3 hours of work per day. My intention is to make sure she must gain some experience so that she can move on to a better company.

The past 2 month Sai has instructed me to build a team and not to work on my own.

But basically, I am still not understanding myself. After this girls episode, the way I interpret dreams and live life based on dreams is confusing me. I don’t know if I am really good or bad.

I told Sai that I am not expecting anything from this girl. If there’s something I could ask for, I wanted to tell her all these dreams as I believe she could interpret better. Because some of the dreams were for her own life. One dream was like she’s very sad due to an issue in her family. I had this dream on June 3rd 2017. Usually, I never see this girl because I feel that it will irritate her. So its hard for me to know if she’s happy or sad.

I have faced a lot in past. I have gone through break up. I have only prayed for the girls who left me. Those days, I never felt this depressed or worried because I was much younger. I just felt there’s always a way out. This issue is hurting the very essence of who I am.

I wish to be practical in life but someone like me can never ignore words from Sai.

So I need a clarification atleast now.

The dream from Ganesha also is confusing because in the dream, the priest was not completely clear.

I had another dream in which I saw this girl and her close friend. Her friend was telling something to me. But I only see her speaking. I hear no words.

Even the dream from Dattatreya was just a blessing. I only saw him speaking. I never hear any words.

What would I imagine if I only see a girl and God talking to me but I hear no sound? Ipidi sound tracka off panni kanavu vandhu use illa Sai.

I am totally confused now. I wrote this article yesturday and did not feel like publishing it. I feel bad for writing about a girl I don’t even know as a friend. So I kept it in draft as I felt Baba don’t want me to publish this article. I slept off asking him to clarify in dream atleast now. I only got a dream in which I saw a shop I used to visit when I was in Chennai. I am thinking that they forget me. But surprisingly, the man says “You used to print Sai’ calender with positive messages and give everyone”.

After I woke up I remember that when I made StarSai in 2004-2005, I used to print posters with positive messages on Sai.

Now look at what I am writing in StarSai? That I am depressed. I am a looser etc.

I have lost myself and my dignity because of immidiately reacting to Sai dreams. 

Now I want Sai to answer me. I have only done good to Sai children. I have tried my best to be pure. I wonder how Sai expects me to be positive and happy when I feel really embarassed?


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Note – Last night, When I wanna publish this article Sai stopped me from doing it. I can’t say how. Sai dreams are just one way he communicates to me. I always think of Sai. So he lives in me. In my body, soul and mind. I belong to Sai. Today since he showed me dream to be positive, I got really angry on Saibaba and posting this any how. Why should I listen to him for every small thing? Now who is feeling guity? Is it me or Sai? I might consider removing this article if Sai gives me some clarity as soon as possible.

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